do you know the muffin man?

again&again forever&ever.Gosh if only i could bluetooth the thoughts in my mind to my lj blog entries.That way it saves me the time from logging in/out,up-dating and having to constantly recall the day before or whenever.This is so overdue.
anyhoo
*Watched Transformers@vivo city.
*School emdd(ultimate boredom^yawns repeats)
*DEAFCON@DXO(iron buddah forever)
*watched the gypsy perform @esplanade library(apparently they're joe's family.Their performance with joe makes you wanna go AWWWWWWWWWWW)
*regular visits to ice cream chefs for uh ice cream d'oh ^
*English oral(dang it was easy peasy)
*8mm(take a listen to no way back it's the shizznit)
*seeing jacob almost everyday before school after school weekends (oh boy will remember to include friends along)

SATURDAY:
Matthew J and i planned out the day.It was like reviving the old times.(had many nostalgic moments)We watched fantastic 4(yet again for the fourth time)and there was this girl guides convention or sth like that.Both of us went to check that out.Matt didnt seem to enthusiastic abt it so we left to watch ronin perform but we missed their set.Walked around town.Bump into mervyn and karina at the MRT.Actually i miss em alot.After we parted exchange greetings and tighttight hugs i left for the arts house with Matt j.They were going for ROCK FOR WAYNE.I didnt go cos Matt thinks all my friends are scene kids.(i dont label em')I love the ambient of the arts house.Will so be there again for the next line up gig&post gig after party.We ate at the city hall area.Had western food it was delish.(Carbonara please)Spending time with Matt was great.Haikel joined us then later "teenagemutan ninjaturtle"zain & "hamster"pual.Ate again at makansutra before that brownies at mrs.fields.
Today marks my anniversary of 1 year& 3 months with Matthew J.We've been through more rough times than the first season of "days of our lives".I think now we're more assured with each other than we ever were.Usually anniversary wont seem as hyped up to be as it was when we just started out.After all being together for so long.Just having each other around on daily basis is more than enough.No need for fancy love letters,lavish gifts,treats to the restaurant(it doesnt mean it should stop there though)HEHEHE.I was greeted with a fresh rose in the morning(at least he didnt come empty handed)and the most warmest embrace(ok ok he was down with the sickness.whatever diseases that our immunity system can fight back nothing major or life threatening)A new changed in the morning,we took the bus to sch instead.Sch was awfully boring! It being the first day i half expected it anyway.We learnt nothing not even uhh the basics foundation of the core subjects except Math.my boredom got so bad i broke into a song like every minute.Miss Norhana was all geared up to teach Math(I was so not in the mood for any algebra basically anything involving mathematical formula's or calculations)After sch(thank god)Was suppose to meet Matthew J for our lunch date.I made val tag along.But both of us was craving for a caramel frap with of cos choc drizzle.So we bought em'at starbucks in siglap.Then waited for the bozo.He came with dennis aka pooh bear and haikel.It was good company.




CARAMEL FRAP KICKS AZZZ(uhh ok)

The are times when negative emotions and thoughts devour me completely it's like being in a quicksand and i cant seem to get out of it.It just accumulates & accumulates.It gets frustrating at a certain point.I need to re-evaluate myself and try not to submit so easily to defeat.The media is to blame for depression causing people to hate themselves and get on the latest diet fads. My point abt the media is that people especially teenagers or growing adolescent are influenced by what the media portrays of beauty.Airbrushed & stick insect thats what it is.Ive been coping with weight issues since god knows.I have my fat days&ugly days.It seems to get worst by the day.
I dont know why i find solace in expressing "how i feel".I never really talked abt my issues with anyone.Basically i just neglected myself.I was never brought up in an environment with love and affection.I never felt warmth.Was never told i was loved.Didnt get any goodnight kisses or bed time stories?(except for my dad w/o the kisses)My mom is like the drill Sargent and i feel like im thrown in the army. I love my dad to death but he's rarely around.I wished somehow my mom showed some motherly affection towards me.It would be nice

Yet again i left my LJ abandon for god knows how long this time.

woke up this morning sleepy-eyed to a bright and early thursday.Got off bed brushed my theeth and checked out my Gibson pure guitar calender i got from a gig.I ticked off each day that went by everyday.Only to realise it's almost the end.FOUR DAYS is whats left of the june hols.After which sch life begins(i'll be immersed in mathematics,science etc).Major brain breakdown and panadol intake.Once sch starts it will be the end of fun for at least three months of my life(god it sounds tragic).To me sch is nothing i look foward to(math is like an acquired taste)I'll be deluding myself if i said it was "refreshing".enuff abt sch.

the nittygritty part
*Karina left for Thailand for abt 2 weeks(random calls from kegan at odd hours i finally picked up the phone after his fourth attempt to reach me)
*Parent were out of town + NO CURFEW = F R E E D O M
*Granny was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this month(had to kiss all my weekend plans goodbye)

*A hard knot of anxiety formed when Matthew J stayed over.I'm usually prickly as a porcupine with him.How prickly can i be?Well,VERY,i left us platonic since the day we met till only recently :3
At first sounding bitter he challenged my defenses,forcing me to be more "open" with myself and him.I was skeptical abt the therapeutic powers of M_____ O____(fill in the blanks)
the first is a 6 letter word the next is a three letter word.The transition of our relationship changed drastically.Yes Jacob i eat my words,i was wrong.We had abt more than 6 whole hours of silent exploration and it was amazing.Now i cant seem to get him off the mood.I think being "one with each other" for three whole days was enuff

Valerine finally came to school yesterday for our class photo shoot(all my fun shots was with her).She's absent today,wasn't suprise there since she doesn't go to school often.And only 9 people turned up to school today.My class had that few people present.(so depressing)
So yesterday i was really glad she came.I mean ive missed her so much(in a non lesbian way)
It's still a mystery why we click so well together.I waited for her to end her detention ytd.Went to kegan's house to kill time.Surf the net and talked to him.Her detention ended an hour early.Apparently she owe 7 hrs of DC but managed to get off it.(prefects got intimidated by her i guess?)She's too serious sometimes and takes everything personally.So after her detention.We were like really tired.Slept in the bus,talked,laughed and just enjoyed having one another around.She wanted to have sushi so i followed her.Went to white sands.bought sushi and heap loads of other food.
TODAY:
FUCKED UP!(was myspacing throughout the day)
after school i went to Kegan's house.Deidre was there.How awkward that was.She was in bed with kegan.hahaha!
The vennard's house if officially my second home.
Karina is leaving for Thailand on Sunday.Will miss her terribly
I just realise that i haven't been spending time with Matthew as much as i should have.Gosh!
will manage time out with friends and remember to include him.

Today had school as per usual.Got back ALL my scripts and my grades wasn't something to celebrate about.After school i met up with Dong and Mervyn.Claire and Karina was there too.And ate at Funan.He was looking for some hard disk thingy(I have ZERO IQ about IT gadgets and computer related what-evers)And it was just the both of us.We left the gang to entertain themselves at the three-in-one fast food.At first i felt awkward cos i felt totally uncomfortable in uniform.But dong made me feel better.And i noticed he didn't button his pants.Well theres three button and he didn't button the second one.(OK,that came out weirdly odd but it wasn't cos i was staring at his dick)I just happen to see it unbottom it was very obvious(I sound like a perv now godaamit)NUFF abt' it.Then i went to MPH with him(Oh check out the JUNE issue of TEENAGE the article on smoking it's contributed by Dong) and checked out some mags and self helped books(AM still a fucked up complicated kid as i was in the fifth grade when i thought being a dark basketball kid was "COOL" and thus my email)I introduced him to the secret,a book somewhat related to the law of attraction(guide to the teachings of Abraham)After that went back to meet the gang.Apparently they were well entertained.There was the words "FUCK ME NOW" on the sanitary napkin made by chilli spicy sause from taco bell.It looks like menses blood stains.(EWWWWWWWW! repeatedly*)Then Karina and mervyn again kept snapping pictures of me and dong.It's not that i don't want to "camwhore" with him.I just hate being in uniform and looking like a goofball.We went to Far East Plaza after that cos dong wanted to get armbands and beanie's.But the shop was closed.I finally got to have a taste of fried mars bars.And it's so delicious! i went off after that.


I LOVE YOU
-DONG(I love your warm hugs)
-KARINA
-MERVYN
-CLAIRE

Everybody noticed that i've been awfully reserved lately.(I did not turn mute and my ability in reading lips has progressed)I like how i am now and it's a good change(talk less,listen more).I can spend more time reading my novels.GAWH!.Have been listening to more therapeutic more mellow tunes goodbye manic angst emo kid.
currently i have been feeling a sort of detachment.Basically it's really all jumble up like a zig zag puzzle.(omg i totally sound like depressed kid on medications)I NEED HELP PRONTO! CALL DR.PHILL
TUESDAY:
I watched "JANGAN PANDANG BELAKANG"(whatever it's spelled) on tuesday with Dong,Mervyn,Claire and Karina.And in all honesty that has got to be the most dreadful horror flick ever MADE in the history of mankind.It was just the worst of the worst! Everybody that had watched the movie should get their money back in a jiffy.I could hear Zain from the back gibbering and cussing "WADAFUK" like a lost Jamaican.
It was my first time going out with Dong besides seeing him at gigs
We talked laughed and i enjoyed myself.
Sadly Dong had to leave early to meet his mom for Dinner.The remaining of us headed to Orchard.Walking aimlessly through the night.
FRIDAY:
Had School and boy was my mid year results BAD TO THE BONE!
All i'm looking forward now is to happily graduate and get into photography.

I haven't been active lately on LJ since there hasn't been anything interesting to blog about .My daily life is too mundane for the average person.I'm being really vehement but thats the god honest truth.Foward to last week dilemma about which gigs best to go for.I didn't go for any.Basically i stayed home trying to annihilate boredom till evening when i met up with Matthew to celebrate Serenia's sweet 16 birthday Party. The party was a downright bore! OK,besides the cathering and musical chairs(Zain won but Alston was the runner up followed by Jovian then me).All was just plain dead.Her condo seemed like it's vacant.But the good thing is i got to catch things up with Matthew.It actually took me half a year or well a year to realise that he is a good boyfriend.I finally appreciate him more now.I know you'll be like AWWWWWWW^But to clarify our relationship is so dysfunctional.We do have our daily fights and i TRY to be less sarcastic and vulgar.(Ok this entry is getting too damn mushyickyfeelings YUCKS!*\)/-changes subject*/

Joel calls me mermaid.And he says girls like me makes him tear(read myths on mermaids)But conversations with him would be great over coffee.I can't explain it but we share so much.And opening up to him is easy.Our prospective in life,views,opinions everything.Finally someone i could talk to about AMERICAN POLITICS! YES! I'm a weird kid and i've been intrigue by it since young and being able to share my interest and views about the American propaganda has been AHHHHHHH simply wonderful.He likes Micheal Moore's documentary.I mean MICHEAL MOORE is like god to me besides Marilyn Manson.Go watch Fahrenheit 9/11.He exposed the truth about GW BUSH.(I'm not suprise one day if two CIA agents come to my house and kidnap me)

I haven't been up-dating recently.My mom went to Kl and i was nocturnal during her absence.Chatted with "powerpuff" jon till the wheee hours of the morning and was myspacing with joel.We're just a bus stop away.Multi-tasking,yeah i'm practicing.Getting used to it though.Soon i'll be pro Matthew!Soon! And i have been catching up with friends lately.Like dantheman.The last time i saw him was like two years back then he moved to Texas.We had a webcam convo.It was great seeing him though it's through the webcam.He'll be back next year for summer.What else i'm myspacing more now.See dong i'm back to being a myspace whore.I'm going HOME club tmr.And i'm in a huge dilemma which to go?GASHAUS? Kai lontong band is performing and i've been wanting to go but then again josiah asked me out for the gig at DXo.Why must everything be on the same day.That suck heaps loads.Darren"sexpup" send me this cool indie electro beat song.It's the shizz nit.I'm currently listening to rocking tunes of camera obscura.

I have been deep in thought about a personal issue Matthew brought up.Could it be that i'm a detached cynic?Perhaps maybe i shouldn't dwell much on the matter but it's not a legitimate excuse for me to chuck it aside?But having these endless insomnia's isn't helping me catch much beauty sleep.Not to mention i'm still coughing like an old geezer and i'm pretty much not getting any better.The doses of meds i'm taking is just plain madness.I realise something about myself.I "TRY"(apparently that doesn't work often)to sustain from expressing feelings even though there's much needed to be let out.I do this to evade myself from any confrontations.I'm a emotionally disturb child.Honestly i'd hate to get all sentimental and emotional.





Flash me those sweet smiles so that i can lose myself


There are times when i feel like giving-in but something inside me just refrains.Without a doubt i love him.Without a doubt theres no one else.I left my old ways.I'm no more hopelessly distracted by my wondering eyes as my prying eyes sets out only to catch his.I'm starting to slowly ponder.We'll be perfect just like he said if we venture further beyond our current state.



Golly i'm staying at home on a Saturday.It's not that nobody asked me out.I just needed to just relax at home away from reality.

The weather has been extremely parched lately.(wipes off sweat with a sanitary napkin*)I feel as if i'm being fried like a goreng pisang.In this current state of weather,h20 is a girls best friend:3LOL.Moving on,i've been taking the time to search within myself.To delve into my own heart and mind.Weird as it seems you think it is.Don't patronize me,make assumptions.It's really emotionally draining for me in particular if you judge me the wrong way.If you think that "oh your different now" then maybe i grew up.I know it's such a higgledy-piggeledy entry for me but i needed to take a load off my mind.




Isn't it obvious,I MISS YOU GOD DAMMITT


O,I've been missing heap loads of my dearly friends.
(To Dong:Much apologies,lets post-pone our meeting.As the old saying goes absence makes the heart grow fonder" and you can rape mervyn c:)
-(To Mervyn:I'm awfully missing your moonwalk(keep practicing) and flipping of hair(smells fresh as always.)
-(To shamilla:DANCE HARDCORE BABY)
-(To iylia:Get drunk on vodka and do the macarana on the dancefloor)
-(To Karina:My beloved crazy ass mofo,i love you)
-(To Ally Morphine:Missing the old times lets talk it over redbull and CAMWHORE!)


-(To Jackson Tan:CHEMSCHEMSCHEMS!In need of jackfruit.)
-(To Yuji Tanaka:best friends forever.Long phone-in conversations.Lets create a new record)

It's the look of being emotionally numb


Boredom has once again struck me.It's no surprise really since i lead a life that surrounds me with the associate word "monotonous".It's usually i'll be err...camwhoring but apprently since losing my hp.I have found comfort in reading books,especially self helped ones.(change's subject)O,i am offically missing JACKSON TAN.In your mind you'll be like "that piece of jackfruit ah?"yes i happen to miss that bugger.Though it was just saturday that i last met up with him.It feels like ages.We no longer did the "stuff" we used to do.Like long walks while eating ice cream under the hot and excruciating sun.Conversations about things that aren't relevant at all.I miss him a whole lot.It's making me get all sentimental now.DAMN YOU CHEMS!(refering to jackson)Why must you leave st patricks!(This is what boredom does,it makes you reflect and soul search)PS:the heart you stole remained stored dearly close.1 year and counting.

Just got back from a long walk after school with Matthew.He could sense the grimace looked reflected upon my facial expression.That would usually be lead by a periodic argument caused by anger,disappointment,doubts,fear,jealously,joy,lust.rage,suspicion and the list goes on.It was patent that he's some-what distracted.I knew i had to dish out the dirt out of him.Everyone has their hidden dirty skeletons in their closet but his is one that i would know of.I practically dissected him under a microscope before i hooked up with him.(For i am born to tame you mortal creature ^evil cackles LOL*)Even when he had his liaisons during the holidays when we're on our outs.I know everything Matthew.Like Justin Timberlake song title,what goes around,comes around(plays twilight zone theme song*)



I'm currently filling my days with languid and laconic yet witty conversations online as i gawp in front of the computer stone faced.Ranting like an angry beaver over the phone to various unsuspected victims.How monotonous aye?To Nicholas whee:Watching krauts on YOUTUBE shouting foul language is immensely enjoyable.

I have come to see someone in a better light.Sure there may be times when old feelings and judgments come back and linger my mind.Consuming me with malice thoughts. But till then,friendly gestures will be appropriately greeted to her(warm fuzzy hugs? it could be arrange?)FYI Matthew, i'm not doing this for you just because you made false claims about me mocking her and gag about it with my friends in school.Theres no vindictive motives what-so-ever.I have yet to figure why i supposedly hate her.In all honesty i don't.Not even a twiny lil bit.Maybe we fail to understand each other?I guess sometimes rumors spreads faster than STDs.Oh well,we're graduating.

Who doesnt love doofus?(I admit im self absorbed)


Hello Earthlighs! (does the hand action peace sign * )My blogs and LJ if you realise last only for a period of time.It's usually that i'll forget my password and user name once im logged out.And trying to remember them is such a hassle.Ive poor memory so it seems.I only contributed much stupidity upon myself thats why im aptly named doofus,go figure huh.My previous entries from previous accounts are neither enticing nor emotive.Gripping story's that would eat your heart out.I beg to differ.I just simply find "blogging" very therapeutic.But ive been abit groggy and haggard recently.With fever the flu and repeated coughs.Its no wonder im off the weather on most occasions.Ive been toe tapping to PJ Harvey at home while on MC and listening to local-it-band Bad obsession on my play list.Music gods in the making i say.To dong:its a compliment.I went for their gig @DXO for Deafcon 2.Their performance was mind blowing(sadly no trashing of guitars)I wasn't crest fallen at all.Majority of the corwds moshed to their songs.Be it indie children,metal heads,disco sluts(electro a-go-go anyone?)scene kids.a crew of misfits what-not.Even ah bengs turned up which was a surprise.(Maybe they thought DXO was a KTV lounge?)But fact is many people came to support.Fresh faces and those that came for the first Deafcon.All in all a worthy ticket priced paid for(To Dong,next time put me on guest lists)Thanks!